Let me preface this by saying that a large part of this was written when I was struggling with this decision a few months ago. I didn’t know whether publishing it would help me, but it turns out that just letting my feelings out helped me a lot. I’m putting this up now, edited and added onto, because my story wouldn’t be complete if this important part was left out. At the same time, perhaps someone will read this, relate to it, and find that difficult decisions like these need to be made, and there is nothing wrong with following your heart. Here we go.
For a while, I was feeling lost and dejected, and the monologue in my head began to say, over and over, that I wasn’t doing anything with my life. I had bouts of random break downs, as well as times that I found myself spaced out and staring at the ceiling. I felt lost, and alone, and wanted so desperately for things to turn around. Or something.
I decided to do something kind of drastic, something to shake up where my life was going. As the plan unfolded, I found that that decision hurt someone important to me more than I thought it would. Just to clarify, the decision wasn’t something permanent. I really just wanted, and needed, to take control of something in my life, just me with no one really intervening.
Nonetheless, this person was hurt. And I felt bad, and still do feel bad that this person was hurt. There’s something deep inside me pulled me down because I knew that this was the case. The thing was though, I really felt that this was something that I needed to do. I had this sinking feeling that if I didn’t push through with this plan, I would stay stuck in the rut I was in and wouldn’t be able to move forward.
I decided to go back to Manila to get a little more experience and to find myself. Cliche as that line is, I think that right now this is where I need to be to get a better grasp of what I can do and where I can go. This is just something I needed to do to grow and grow up. So yeah. Things will be okay.
’til next time,